Why I’m happy about a new toilet

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How did this happen? I just got a new toilet installed in my bathroom — one of those “ADA compliant” models that is still three inches too short. Initially I decided this excitement was pathetic and I needed some more exciting things in my life. Then I realized I was just happy to see the old toilet go.

The old toilet had three main problems. First of all, it had a perfectly round seat. The only place a toilet like this belongs is in a women’s bathroom. As most men can attest, there’s something unfortunate about having to cram your junk down through the toilet seat when you are sitting down. This is what a round toilet seat forces men to do. It’s a confined space where even the least endowed are forced to deal with private body parts touching toilet seats and/or bowls. In worst cases you cannot possibly do #1 and #2 comfortably at the same time.

Secondly, the old toilet was too low. Normally this would pose a problem when getting back onto my wheelchair. But in this case, it was the transferring down onto the toilet seat that was the issue. Dropping down off my wheelchair several inches often came with a loud thud that shook the pipes inside the wall often causing the dogs upstairs to freak out. And although it only happened once, it was not a happy landing that time I crushed my testicles.

Lastly, the old toilet stopped flushing properly about two year ago. The day this started happening was coincidentally (or not) the same day my brother-in-law shut off their water upstairs to work on their bathroom. The toilet never worked the same since. I mean it worked, but it never stopped running, so every time I flushed it I’d have to turn off the water at the wall. My dad thought this was ridiculous and fixed the constant running problem but then the toilet never flushed on the first try.┬áMagically it would always flush on the second attempt but I’d have to wait three minutes for the tank to fill up again. I really don’t like to stare at poop for that long.

So here I sit, almost 24 hours after the toilet installation and I still haven’t had to use it yet — thus my excitement. I’m pretty sure it will wear off quickly when I realize, “Oh hell, it’s just a toilet!” Until then, however, I’m enjoying the anticipation.

Maybe I do need some more excitement after all.

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